I wasn’t going to write about fertility or what we’re doing next. I think I thought that by not writing about it I wouldn’t have to deal with the emotions surrounding it. I was wrong. It’s so emotionally draining. There’s so much to it. Blood work, surgical procedures, insurance, copays, detailed instructions, pain…
I’ve decided to document our journey here so that (hopefully) I can look back in a year and see how far we’ve come. Here goes.
So far I’ve only had a ton of bloodwork done. 18 vials taken the very first day. I was bruised for over a week, but I didn’t pass out. The numbers don’t really mean anything to me yet (not until my appointment with the dr to discuss treatment) except my insulin levels are high, which means the metformin I’m on for treatment of pcos isn’t doing it’s job. And my vitamin D is low despite all the time we spend outside. It’s fat soluble, and I have fat. So I’m having to supplement 5000iu a day so it will raise. Sadly enough, low vitamin D can cause miscarriage so our problem could be as simple as that if everything else checks out. Also the untreated elevated insulin levels could be causing it. Our Doctor explained to us that fertility is a very complicated puzzle and you need to have every piece for it to go together properly. It’s so. much.
Next stop on the fertility treatment train is a dye test that some say is extremely painful called an HSG. In short, a catheter (worst word in the English language, even worse than “moist”) is shoved into your cervix and dye is pushed through your inner workings to make sure no blockages are present. You are instructed to take aleve an hour before the procedure. This was completely doing my head in and I finally broke down and called the doctor and asked for something stronger. I have one single solitary Valium in my possession now to get me through this test, but I’m still a ball of nerves.
This hit fever pitch levels last night after all of our trick or treating was done. Fern and Wilbur had a fabulous time.
We got home, took our candy tax, Matt went to work and the anxiety kicked in.
As I laid in bed physically shaking from reading reviews of the hsg test and how bad it hurts I flip to Facebook to get my mind off of it and there it is:
Our neighbors had their twins.
She’s walked down this same scary, uncertain road. She showed me her three ring binder full of medical paperwork from the very same fertility office we go to. It’s all so overwhelming and we are already drowning in paperwork.
Just a few days ago she was saying how scared she was that something bad was going to happen to her babies (because she’s suffered losses as well) and there she was in the picture holding healthy miracles. I bawled like a baby (or two).
We’re all scared. Scared of pain. Scared of loss. Scared of what will happen because we are completely out of control and something that should be very easy has proven very difficult.
So Monday I’m taking my Valium. I’m showing up. I’m going to have the hsg done and hope it doesn’t hurt too bad. I’m going to pick a place on the wall and stare at it until it’s over, just like I always have during painful things.
Because I want a baby. Or two. 3 is fine, too.
And all the pain in the world is worth the joy of adding to our family.
For everyone walking this road and for those of you who have been through this same pain, fear, and uncertainty-
Breathe, y’all. It’s going to be ok.