I’ve gone off the rails completely. I gained last week. I am having dental issues. I’ve had a few breakdowns. I was terribly homesick last week so Matt surprised me with a visit home to Alabama to surprise my family. They were so happy to see us.
We love the south. Being there made us realize how much we miss it and miss being near family. We have been in Indiana since July of last year. We’ve talked a lot about our future and what we want. We don’t want to be stuck here for 30 years, but the longer Matt works here the longer we will have to stay because he will have so much seniority it won’t make sense to transfer.
Today he made a huge move- He requested a transfer to Birmingham, Alabama. It’s a long shot. Transfer requests are often denied. It’s scary to think about having to move again and the logistics of all of it and how we will pay for this and that, but our heart is in the south. We want to raise Quinn near family. We want to put down roots somewhere long term and honestly, I hate snow.
Now after saying all that, his transfer request could easily get denied and we could be stuck here longer, but until then we will just cross our fingers and hope for sunnier, warmer weather in our future.
I have had a huge reality check in the last couple of weeks, though. It really all came to light today when I was sitting in a dentist’s office hearing about all of the dental work I need right now. I’ve put myself on the back burner. That’s kind of what you do as a mom, everyone else comes first. I have to have some pretty extensive dental work done soon and it sucks, but it made me realize the other aspects of my life I’m slacking in.
Especially weight loss.
I lose some, feel ok about myself, then lose motivation and gain. It’s a vicious cycle that I’ve been on for YEARS and I’m tired of it.
Weight loss is hard. Exercising is hard. Losing weight feels impossible at times.
But seeing firsthand what happens when you neglect your body really puts in perspective what the point of all this is. I have to be good to myself. I haven’t been.
On our way home from Alabama we detoured out of the way to Atlanta because we miss it so much. We went to lunch at our favorite spot in our old neighborhood. We ran around Lenox Mall, my favorite place in the world to shop. Seeing Quinn run around the mall was so sweet. When we moved away from there she couldn’t walk yet. We strolled who knows how many miles around that mall when we lived there. Now she was running. Running.
We also followed behind someone going into the gate of our old building and went up to the roof of the parking deck, that same roof I spent many, many nights on contemplating life. The roof I would escape to when things were going to shit. Where I would drink beer and chain smoke Marlboro lights to get me through the demise of my marriage and eventual divorce. The place Matt and I danced under the moonlight and sounds of the city. We felt like it was our city then. Being back up there brought back those feelings. We love Atlanta so much and if it was a transfer option we would jump on it immediately. Sadly, it’s not.
But we owned that rooftop again for a moment. We ran around. Danced. Quinn was super impressed by the big buildings. It was pretty clear she didn’t remember any of it from our time there. It was amazing to see her explore a place we hold so dear to our heart through new eyes. Part of me wished she remembered it. Part of me was just thankful to have a little time up there again.
Finding balance between spending all day everyday thinking about nothing but care for yourself (my former life) and all day everyday about care for another person (my current life) is hard. I need to meet myself halfway. I need to devise a workable plan and stick to it. Taking care of myself is important, too.
I’m starting off with 3 goals for the rest of this week:
1) Track. This day has gone to hell because I’ve barely eaten on my sore teeth, but my meds should help with that. Tomorrow, I track.
2) exercise. I hate it. I wish I didn’t. But I do. I will exercise atleast 30 minutes per day. Even if it’s a simple stroll around the block, I’ll get it done.
3) manage my anxiety. I’m a very anxious person. I will calm the f down and remember that everything is scary at first but it will all be ok as long as I have my family by my side. I have so much anxiety about moving again and the how’s of it all. Maybe I should start a GoFundMe account for moving expenses. I’m only halfway kidding. I will take lots of deep breaths when I get scared instead of taking lots of big greasy bites. Food is not anxiety medication.
So that’s what’s going on here. Thanks for hanging in with me, dear readers. ❤️ Hopefully I can reclaim my southern belle status sooner rather than later.