I bought a scale.
I threw ours away when we moved. I think anything that sits on the bathroom floor of one house shouldn’t sit in the bathroom floor of another, which is also why I had to buy trash cans and bath mats.
While standing in the scale section of Meijer (oh, I’m so Midwest now), I studied the scales. I could get a cheap one. I could get a fancy expensive one. Or I could fall somewhere in the middle of the road. The 2 middle of the road choices were labeled “The Biggest Loser” and “Weight Watchers”. Ironic, because that’s how my journey began years ago. 300 pounds and auditioning for The Biggest Loser. I wasn’t chosen after 2 VIP passes to casting calls in 2 different states, but that motivated me to join Weight Watchers. I lost over 55 pounds and got down to the low 230s, then I got pregnant with Quinn. Three weeks after I had her I was down to 248 and ecstatic that the weight seemed to be coming off so fast.
Then the harsh reality of motherhood set in and colic came with it.
I reacted in the same way I always react when I’m stressed, I ate. I was half-assing Weight Watchers but as soon as I got Quinn to sleep I’d binge.
I quit WW and went on a free for all these last few months. I have gained 13 pounds since I quit. What I’ve realized is that tracking, counting calories, is not for me. For so many reasons, but the main one being that I need to truly learn how to eat healthy, not just play with numbers to fit in crappy foods and deprive myself of the nutrients my body needs. Also, I don’t want Quinn to grow up seeing me measure every bite that goes into my mouth. I want her to understand healthy eating, so in order for that to happen I have to learn how to eat balanced without a food scale or measuring cups.
I’ve been searching for new recipes to try for our family and help get grains into Quinn because she doesn’t care for bread and I found this awesome recipe for Toastless French Toast. It was a huge hit!
So I’m not weighing food, measuring, tracking, counting macros, calories, or anything else. I’m just trying to make better choices for myself. It hit me that I spend so much time and energy making sure Quinn has balanced meals and don’t do myself the same courtesy. I need to lead by example.
I will be sharing my meals, something I haven’t done previously because I was always tracking them elsewhere.
This morning for breakfast I had fresh bread with mashed avocado and scrambled egg. I got a Rollie Eggmaster (well, 4. I bought 4 Rollie Eggmasters) because they were on clearance for $1.40 at CVS. If you’re in the market for phallic eggs, have I got a treat for you.
I’m trying to quit drinking diet soda. This is really, really hard for me. Diet Dr Pepper is my dark lover. I have started drinking Lacroix and the bubbles really give me the same satisfaction that the diet soda does. The lack of caffeine makes me ragey. I haven’t stopped with the diet soda completely, but hope to soon. This is pretty good.
When I lost weight before, I was unhappy in my previous relationship. I hated my body. I was unreasonably hateful to myself over small gains and too-small losses. People told me over and over again that I would gain the weight back if I didn’t lose it in the right way. They were right. So here I am, starting over again.
But instead of looking at that number with disgust, I’m looking at it with love. I’m 277 pounds of mom, wife, friend, daughter. I’m 277 pounds of love, for myself and others.
That number does not define me, but it does show me at a place I don’t want to be. We want another baby. When I was pregnant with Quinn I had tachycardia, gestational diabetes, and preeclampsia. I would be extremely naive to think that my weight didn’t play a part in any of those conditions. So I have a whole lot of reasons to get healthy and lose weight.
Join me (again) on this journey.