Today, my friend posted this picture of us for Flashback Friday on Facebook.
Talk about a throwback. I was 16. And starving.
That used to be my “goal picture”. When I started Weight Watchers at almost 300 pounds, that body is what I had in mind. I wanted it back.
I’m in a different place mentally than I was even a few years ago. When I look at this picture now, I see sadness. I see a girl that didn’t eat for weeks. I smoked cigarettes and drank diet dr pepper, no food. Just to fit into a dress. When the pageant was over I binged on Taco Bell. I still remember exactly what I ordered:
3 Mexican pizzas and 5 crunchy tacos supremes. I ate it all, pulled over behind a boarded up building, and threw it all up. I sprayed Victoria Secret body spray to cover the smell of vomit.
My knuckles still have scars that serve as a daily reminder of how far I’ve come. I am not perfect. I still have my moments. I get frustrated and think that it would be easier to revert back to my old ways of binging and purging. But I look at the bigger picture, the one with her in it.
I never want her to have these struggles. I want her to love herself so much that she never even considers harming her body to fit a mold that society has placed on her. I want her to celebrate every inch of her body and have the optimal goal of health.
Last year, I was writing this. Here on her Birthday Eve, I have more hopes for her as well as myself.
I hope that she will celebrate her body daily. Mine has kept her alive for a year! I’m still in awe of our success breastfeeding. I never knew my body was as capable as I now know it is.
I hope that she knows how truly beautiful she is. And not just physical beauty, but her beautiful spirit and heart.
I hope that she understands how much we love her and how amazing she has made every day over the last year. I’ve never been so happy to have so little sleep. When I see that face light up it’s all worth it.
I hope that she sees the love I have for her gorgeous daddy.
He is my best friend, lover, constant support and the best father ever. Being his wife and her mother is the best. Our little family doesn’t need anything but each other. I hope he knows how much I appreciate him. He is the backbone of this family and he works so hard for very little recognition so I can stay home with our girl.
I hope that the next year is as blessed as this one has been. We are truly blessed with everything we need and a happy, healthy baby.
That girl up there had no idea she would make it this far. She didn’t have a clue that all the hurt she caused herself would fade away and be replaced with self love and acceptance.
To that girl up there with her hair jacked to Jesus, I say YOU MADE IT.
You love yourself and you’re surrounded by people that love you for who you are.
If I never lose another pound, I will not shed a tear.
That’s not what defines me as a person. I’m much more than a number on a scale.
We’re kicking off her birthday tomorrow with a birthday breakfast (Baby’s first pancakes, maybe?) and a trip home to Alabama for a special party for her surrounded by our friends and family.
Who could ask for anything more?