So long, old friend

Goodbyes are hard. Especially when you’ve done something for so long!
I’ve been absent here for a while, but once upon a time I shared every tiny detail of my life here. This blog has been a part of me for years, but it’s time to let it go.
I have given so much thought to this. I have half heartedly attempted to become a daily or even weekly (bi-weekly?) blogger again, but I don’t have it in me to do for many reasons. You all know how much I love lists, so here goes-

1) My daughter’s privacy. I don’t mind sharing my life, but my day in and out life consists of her all day every day, and it isn’t fair of me to share every detail of her life online. One day she’s going to be a teenager. I don’t want her entire life to be chronicled online and used against her. It’s not fair to her. She is my world and I want to protect her. This is one way I’m doing so. 

2) Blogging ain’t what it was, y’all. Long, long ago when I started we all just did it because it was fun. We had a network of bloggers who loved one another and we all commented and tweeted and spread that love. It was fun. Sponsorships and affiliate links sucked the fun right out of it. I miss the good old days, but they will never be what they were. 

3) I’m in a different place. When I started blogging, I was searching. Searching for happiness. A smaller size. Self worth. Validation. Happiness. 

I have that now.

I have a real life. Not a rotten marriage I pretend is ok, not a job that allows me to only look at passing cars full of normal families and convince myself I’m not worthy of that.. I have it. A house, the love of my life, a daughter, y’all. I have a daughter. When I started this blog that wasn’t even on the option list. My life has changed, and for the better.

 I finally found what I was looking for, but I found it within myself. That’s important to note, because I got myself out of a horrible relationship and took control of my future. 
I made it. I went from a miserable person getting drunk in my bathtub nightly to a happy mom. I still can’t believe it. 

So thank you. Thank every single one of you for reading along, commenting, celebrating with us, crying with me, encouraging me through a rough divorce, and just being a sounding board when I had no one. 

When my domain registration expires next month this will go back to a WordPress.com site. I’ll leave it up. But I won’t write here anymore.

Going forward I encourage you all to step away from the screen. My life has changed drastically because I stopped talking about life and just started living it. Life goes by so fast that if you spend all of your time reading about the lives of others you will forget to live yours. Get out there and do something amazing with that time.

Before I go, a few big moments I want to remember here. Thank you all for helping me break out of this shell of a person-

  
Thank you for helping me find my own self worth and for helping me stop eating myself into a hole of misery. 

Thank you for celebrating with us when I chose happiness over convenience and married this man. Still the best decision I ever made. I thank God for him every day.

   
 
Thank you for listening when I was a new mom and really had no clue what I was doing. It’s still touch and go πŸ˜‚  

 
And most of all, thank you for seeing the beauty in me that for so long I couldn’t see in myself. I see it now. I no longer feel the need to record every workout (3 times a week now, y’all! I’ve finally learned to love working out and I didn’t even have to tell everyone about it everything it happened!) and I no longer feel like my life will begin when I hit some arbitrary number on the scale. 

I’m living it now. 

If I never lose another pound, I’m happy and healthy. Mission accomplished.

  
I hate goodbyes. So with a tear in my eye, I’ll just say Thank You. 

Xoxo,

Cyndi


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Fertility treatment, Round one, Day 3 of meds

I had lofty goals to blog every day of this but life has gotten in the way (which is a wonderful thing, really). 

What I can say now is that I’m on day 3 of letrazole and it’s pretty miserable. My stomach burns and when it says “may cause cramping and upset stomach” they aren’t kidding.

Two more days of the burn and we’re going to Atlanta to celebrate overnight. 

Also the hot flashes are no joke. I’m soaking through clothes. 

Headaches, check. Bloating, check. Nausea, check.

I keep reminding myself that this is all worth it. And it is, but pregnancy itself doesn’t suck as bad as being on these pills.

If I have an ovulation surge early next week I go in for an hcg shot and hopefully we’ll soon have good news to share. 

I’m really excited for the new Weight Watchers plan but I’ve mentally checked out for the week. I’m having to eat very bland food to get through the stomach issues I’m having from the letrazole. I’m not even hitting my daily points allowance but I’m trying to eat as balanced as possible.

But this weekend when we hit Atlanta all bets are off, y’all. It’ll be a perfect time to start the new program when we get back from the food Mecca of the south.  

This week I’m reminding myself that, like my favorite tea cup, I’m cracked but still useful. 

 Or something. 

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Fertility Treatments: We have a plan.

Our visit with the reproductive endocrinologist went better than I could’ve ever imagined. Probably because I freaked myself out for weeks waiting for the appointment. 

I was sure it was my fault, losing two pregnancies in a row. I was sure it was my weight, what I eat affecting my insulin resistance, my age, my weight…

I have never been so relieved to have a medical diagnosis that isn’t: FAT.

I have 2 different clotting disorders, both causing my blood to clot too much. A simple baby aspirin a day will help long term but 2 heparin (blood thinner) shots per day when I next become pregnant will likely save our next baby. I’ll have to give them to myself in my stomach but really, I’d walk across broken glass twice a day for another baby so a little shot in my stomach is no big deal.

I also have a disorder that causes my body not to process folic acid properly so I am being put on prescription supplements for that.

My vitamin d is low so I’ve been supplementing that since they told me a few weeks ago.

Our Doctor also thinks we will benefit greatly from fertility drugs to mature the egg as much as possible to give us the best chance. I will take letrazole orally and have an hcg shot on a certain day to help also.

And finally, I will be put on progesterone immediately upon becoming pregnant. Historically, my progesterone is low during pregnancy. It was low with Quinn and we caught it super early and were able to save her when I was bleeding pretty bad at 5 weeks. The thing that was different about that pregnancy versus the last 2 is that with Quinn, my doctor insisted it be taken vaginally. The last 2 said that orally was fine and they both ended bad. After expressing this concern to the RE he IMMEDIATELY validated our feelings that this was a reason we lost the last 2 babies. He said he always requires vaginally because it gets straight to the source and doesn’t have to metabolize through the liver, weakening the drug. I expressed concern that my weight also causes progesterone to weaken when taken orally because I’m given the same dose as someone who weighs 100 pounds less than me. He agreed that my concerns were very valid and that vaginally is the way to go.

I went into the visit yesterday wound up tight and in a panic about what was to come. Quinn had to come with us and she was less than excited but easily bribed with a lollipop. 

 
I left with clarity and hope for our future

My biggest fear was being told that our time was up, or that iui or ivf was needed, neither of which we would be able to afford and our insurance doesn’t cover a penny of. 

My fears were dismissed and I am confident that the next time I get pregnant it will end with a healthy baby. 

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we move forward. 

And if you are struggling with infertility, don’t give up. Take lots of deep breaths and find the best fertility doctor in your area and go to that office looking for answers.

We found ours. Hopeless has turned into hope.

Happy Thanksgiving ❀️

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Weekend Ramblings

I’ve screwed up this week.

I haven’t tracked very well. Holidays are tough! So many good things around and I’m having a hard time saying no. I’m hoping to get my act together today because yesterday was a food fest.

We have had a busy week and have a busy week coming up.

Monday we go to the fertility doctor to discuss the results of all the tests I’ve had over the last month and I may be emotionally eating to calm myself down about it. It’s so final in my mind, that the results of a few tests will determine whether or not we expand our family. Lately I’ve been trying to smile through the ignorance of people who tell me “Well when you stop trying you’ll get pregnant!”. Sigh. Getting pregnant is not the problem at all. Matt sneezes on me and I get pregnant. Staying pregnant is the issue and no amount of prayers or positive thinking or “just relaxing” will change that. Modern medicine might, though. 

Also, as petty as it sounds, I look like hell. One of the first things the fertility clinic told me was to stop coloring my hair so I look unkept. Apparently hair color is a hormone disruptor. Who knew? I have bad root rot and the appearance of “letting myself go”. My great friend Michelle reminded me that we always think it’s worse than it actually is.  Right now I’m lying to myself and telling myself “It kind of looks ombrΓ©.” Yeah. It doesn’t, yall.

I’m also not supposed to be drinking but I caved and had a beer out to lunch the other day. No regrets. One beer won’t derail the fertility train, me thinks. It was a local Oktoberfest and I had to have it.

But the hair. I plucked a long grey. And my forehead is in dire need of some Botox.  
If a baby is the end result of looking bad, I’ll take it. 

Here are some shots from our fun family days this week. I’m looking forward to relaxing and spending time with family for thanksgiving. I’m also looking forward to learning what changes Weight Watchers has in store for the new year. I’ve heard rumors, but I want to hear it from oprah’s mouth.

Happy weekend!

   
    
   

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Thankful

Yesterday we went to the little local library for Storytime. It’s one of Quinn’s favorite things to do and we hadn’t been in a few weeks. She was pumped.  

 
Usually they do a story book, felt board story, a couple of songs, a craft, and a snack. I think there should be adult versions of this as well, but with alcohol.

The craft was simple- just a color sheet- but the message was a good one. Ms Linda the librarian explained to the kids what being thankful meant and asked them to draw something they are thankful for. She then asked the parents to write on the page what the kids said.

Quinn isn’t a touchy feely cuddler. She’ll give you a hug but then she’s done and wants down. There is no curling up in the bed for cuddles because oftentimes she doesn’t want to be touched. We’ve accepted this to be just how she’s wired. She’s extremely independent and smart and not clingy at all. She doesn’t show emotions often and really is totally different than how either one of us imagined she would be, which is still ok because she’s an awesome kid. 

When I leaned down to ask her what she was thankful for she paused a minute. Just when I thought the whole lesson would be lost on her she said, enthusiastically even, “Daddy, mommy! I’m thankful for daddy because he’s mine and I love him”. 

My heart burst. A tear rolled down my cheek and landed on her blonde fluffy pigtails.

She got it.

  

She ran into the bedroom when Matt woke up to show him his “prize”.

This is what life is all about. Keep your money. Your fancy cars and clothes. All of those things I focused on for so long and things I put so much stock into-

Keep it.

It doesn’t matter.

Some things I’m thankful for this year-

β€’ Our Health

We’re healthy. All of us, and the little dog, too. I’m so thankful for that.

β€’ Our New Home

If things go smoothly we should be in our new house by Christmas. This is the biggest blessing of the year, a place of our own. It truly is the American Dream and we’re happy to be able to achieve it.

β€’ Time Together

When we lived in Indiana, Matt was gone a lot for work. When we were transferred here it really could’ve gone either way. When given the opportunity to take a local assignment rather than one that would keep him gone, he chose the local to be closer to us and see us daily. It’s twice as much physical labor and he comes home sore all over, but he doesn’t have to live half his life in a hotel. I’m so thankful for our family time and his rotating days off because his weekend starts today and we have fun things planned.

β€’ My Inlaws

I don’t know many people that can say that but really, mine are saints. They really are. 

β€’ A New Day

Particularly today because last night I went over on my points. I have to remind myself that every day is a chance to start over again. I don’t want to sabotage myself. Holidays are tough.
What are you thankful for?

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Weigh inΒ 

  
By far the most frustrating part of losing weight is gaining weight. 

I suspect this is due to bloating because shark week is eminent, but still- frustrating. 

I just have to remember to keep tracking because the numbers will go down, they just may go up some in the process. 

This week my goal is to focus on lowering my carb intake. 

I don’t want to go on a low carb diet per say, but I really need to keep a closer watch on my carbs for the metformin I’m on for pcos to be effective. 

I was planning on cooking for Thanksgiving, but so many restaurants in the Birmingham area are open that day that I think it may be a better option for us this year. Then I can really control what’s on my plate and there will be no endless snacking afterwards. I haven’t talked to Matt about that yet, but I’m hoping he’s on board. The best thanksgiving ever was the one in Atlanta that we went to Maggiano’s. No cooking for me and no dishes to do afterwards. 

My goals for the week:

– Focus on protein. I’m guilty of having carb heavy (often meatless) dinners on nights that Matt is working. I need to make sure to control my insulin levels by balancing out my meals better.

– drink more water. When it’s hot outside, it’s easy for me to chug water nonstop. When it’s chilly like it has been now, it’s a little bit harder. I’m going to try to drink less tea and more water. Although I’m loving Trader Joe’s Candy Cane Green Tea. 

– move more. We’ve been taking long walks, but I need to get back into some kind of workout schedule again. I’m a firm believer in doing what you love and I love yoga and Pilates, so that’s what I’ll do.

I know that gaining is part of the process. 

I’ll just keep on pushing through. Operation “We’re moving again!” has begun, and so has the packing. We’re moving less than a mile away so it won’t be too bad. But gah, moving is the worst.

Happy Monday, y’all!

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ParisΒ 

It’s a place I’ve only seen in pictures or film. Admittedly, my fantasy of Paris is probably better than the reality. Matt has been several times and reminds me it’s not what it’s like in the movies. He still promised to take me when we visit his family one day. 

Last night I was cooking dinner when the news broke about the heartless attacks in France. As with all terroristic acts that unfortunately have become the norm for our society, I was glued to the tv. I could hear Quinn chatter in the other room and when she came running in I quickly changed the channel.

I want so badly for her to believe the world is full of rainbows and kittens just a little while longer.

I waited until she went to bed last night to watch coverage again, and here I sit before she wakes up sipping my mug of tea and watching america’s reaction to this awful situation. 

But last night before she went to be she picked the book she picks 9 times out of 10.  

 
“In an old house in Paris all covered with vines, lived 12 little girls in 2 straight lines…”

This is her view of Paris at the moment. It’s all she knows. 

This morning little girls and boys woke up in France that have an idealistic view of America. They don’t know what we know, that we are under attack.

Please- if you pray to God or just pray to the universe- just pray. Think about the children. Think about each and every victim and, as their names are released, speak them out loud.

Mostly, just pray. Because the world is a scary place to live and an extra scary place to have kids in.

   
 

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2011?

This morning, before my entire cup of caffeine was down, I saw a news story that raised my eyebrows.

Apparently in 2011 there was a huge recall on birth control of which I was unaware. The birth controls listed included mine. Immediately I thought of the little curly topped kid I birthed and her surprise entrance into our worlds. Said kid was screaming at me from the bathroom that she was “Almost done!” Such is our life these days.

I was on the mini-pill when Matt and I began our relationship. As I listened and sipped, listened and sipped, I had the novel idea to call CVS and ask for my pharmaceutical records. What if, ya know? I wouldn’t trade her for a bazillion dollars, but I would certainly take a pay out that would cover her college tuition should she be the product of a whoops on the backs of a big company.

Don’t judge. College is expensive, y’all.

So, as I sat on hold with CVS records retrieval I listened to the customer service rep flip furiously through the paper files (wut? 2015?). I was on the phone with her a good 20 minutes before it dawned on me.

2012. Quinn was conceived in 2012.

I had a moment of full red faced embarrassment and, rather than explain how much of an idiot I am, I sheepishly hung up the phone.

Moral of the story this Thursday (it is Thursday, right?):

Caffeine before calling. Always.

I made it through my glucose screening without throwing up yesterday. Today I have to clean. It always looks like a frat house around here the day after Matt’s weekend. 

Find of the week: 

  
Run to your nearest Trader Joe’s and make these part of your life. Immediately. 

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Fasting Insanity

Someone who doesn’t know may think I’m fasting and doing insanity workouts. Bwahahahahhaa no. 

  
I’m sitting at the fertility doctor’s office 1 1/4 of the way through a 2 hour glucose screening. I’m starving. And need caffeine. Basically I feel like I’m dying. 

The mix of women surrounding me varies. Some older, some younger. Some don’t look old enough to have babies, much less old enough to have issues having babies. 

There are a few kids in here with moms trying to keep them quiet. A cute little boy named Jude kept getting shushed by his parents and I made small talk and told them we always struggle to keep Quinn quiet in places like this. Kids see quiet places as a place to test out their lungs, I think.

Lucky for me, Matt is off today and took our monkey to the zoo.  

 
Yesterday we had the inspection on our new house. It does need a few things done so we are hoping that doesn’t push back closing any. 

  
I’m especially excited for the extra room in the living room and the big back yard.

I’ve been making super yummy dinners like this. Trader Joe’s apple Chardonnay chicken sausage with brown rice and veggies.   
Nine points plus total. 

I’ve heard that Weight Watchers is changing after the first of the year. I’m excited for the changes. Points Plus scared the crap out of everyone at the time, but I say just go with the flow. All changes have been good for me since starting the plans.

I was a little irritated this morning when I realized they were going to sit me in the waiting room to wait out my test. I chugged that disgusting orange drink and tried so hard not to throw it up (throw up, you fail). Every other test like this I’ve had done they put you in a room by yourself. I’m kind of glad I’m out here among people, though. I feel less miserable than I did when I came in here because people chatting are helping me pass the time and also keeping me encouraged. One lady just said, with tears in her eyes, that they found two sacs. My eyes got teary just hearing the joy in her voice.

This is the last test I have to have done before seeing the doctor to discuss treatment November 23rd. 

We hope we can have a teary eyed moment of joy soon. Until then, I’ll pass the time with the stack of time killers in front of me and make small talk with others fighting the same uphill climb we are.  


You guys. That ape Donald Trump can produce kids left and right but I’m sitting in a room full of people who can’t.

The world is a cruel, cruel place. 
 

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Weigh in!

These won’t be numbered like before because really, I lose count and cuss when I have to look back and figure it out.

Not surprising, tracking my food led to a loss this week.

  
And what worked for me:

  
Tracking. It always works. There have been very few weeks along my journey that tracking truthfully didn’t lead to a loss. 

I would love to attend meetings now, but because I hope to be pregnant soon it wouldn’t make much sense because they won’t allow you to weigh in at meetings pregnant. I truly hope that is something that changes in the coming years.  I’m 100% convinced that the reason I only gained 28 pounds when I was pregnant with Quinn is due to tracking with Weight Watchers. I put myself in maintenance mode and it was the perfect number to allow me to not starve and not gain too much. Sure, I cheated at times. What pregnant women doesn’t? But it helped keep me grounded. Now straying after I had her caused me to gain further, but that’s my issue.

I miss meetings. I had some really great leaders. A few things that I’ve had to remind myself since starting tracking again, all of which came out of the mouths of leaders I’ve known:

If hunger is not the question, food is not the answer.

If you work the program part of the time, you get part of the results. If you work the program all of the time, you get all of the results.

And finally, 

Bites, Licks, and Tastes.

They add up. And I made a conscious effort not to partake in any this last week. It happens so frequently if you aren’t paying attention. One spoon of peanut butter while I’m making toast for Quinn, extra cheese for me when I’m adding it to a recipe, taking a bite of this or that throughout the day.. All of it adds up.

I’m going way back to basics. It’s worked for me before, it will work for me again. 

Who has some words of wisdom for me this week? I’m filing them away for moments of weakness.

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